Wolfsgang Stark & FC Barcelona: Pre-Match Team Meeting

"Go! Get HIM!

 If you are following me on Twitter, you probably know that I ran a sting operation to get my hands on the "exclusive" Barcelona pre-match & post-match team talk, and am going to publish it as 2 part post. Our reporter was in Catalonia a few days before the match, and this is EXACTLY what he saw and heard.

Location: Ciutat Esportiva Joan Gamper

(Pep Guardiola is rejoining the team huddle after a phone call, Pep looks pleased with himself, and starts talking with the Barcelona players.)

Pep: Just got of the phone with Michel (Platini), he had called to say he was sorry about picking the Portuguese referee without asking us first, and he was saying he would do just about anything to make it up.

Puyol: *growling like a caveman in approval*

Valdes: Has he made arrangements so we can play our game?

Pep: Yes, he has, our "special player" would be arriving to train with us soon, jejeje. Pique what are you doing? Hang up the phone and come back, we are talking here.

Pique: I was just telling Shakira to get a nose job, a bigger nose would be so much more sexy, don't you think? It looked so good on Ibra.

Pep: Didn't I tell you we don't take his name here, he broke my heart. Anyways, all of you do your stretching, then we'll start the practice with a little diving followed by some face-clutching till our friend drops by. By the way where's Villa, I don't see him.

Xavi: He's with Ramos and Arbeloa, they sent me a text saying he got drunk last night and they had to pick him up, and he's with them, they even sent me a photo, look.

Pep: He isn't their teammate, it's your duty; did you go pick David up? What did you tell them?

Xavi: I told them we are the only team that wants to play football.

Pep: ..........

Xavi: I'll go pick him up.

[Xavi leaves to get Villa while the team continue their training, they take turns diving, clutching their face and ganging up on a person, who our reporter assumes is supposed to be the referee.]

[Some time passes, our reporter notices a grown German man wearing a Lionel Messi kit reach the gates of Ciutat Esportiva Joan Gamper and is stopped by the security and is being thrown out when Pep Gaurdiola notices the man and intercepts. Apparently the security guards were throwing him out because they had banned him from the premises for stalking Lionel Messi during training.]

Pep: Wow, you came a lot earlier than expected, were you close by? And why were the security people stopping you from entering.

Wolfsgang Stark: Yes, I was near Messi's hom.....I was close by. By the way where's Lionel Messi, he's like the best player EVER, I want to meet him. I don't know man, they did that the last time I was here too, I was just going to the player's shower after the training to meet Messi, that's all, I still don't get why they threw me out.  Now when am I getting to meet Messi?

Pep: Umm...........yeah, I can't figure it out either........you'll be meeting Messi soon enough, when we'll talk game strategy in a while.

Wolfsgang Stark: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! REALLY?!

Pep: .............yeah.

[Pep and Wolfsgang Stark oversee the training (video), Xavi and Villa join the group, Pep and Stark wait for them to finish "practice" before they start the discussion.]

Pep: Okay, huddle up people, here's the "special player" I was talking about.

Puyol: *sniffs Wolfsgang Stark*

Wolfsgang Stark: Hi Leo! I am your biggest fan, can you sign my shirt, my shorts, anything?!

Pep: Can we focus?

Wolfsgang Stark: Alright. *whispers* I love you Leo.


Pep: Can I call you Wolf? Okay Wolf, as Platini might have already told you, to play our beautiful game of football, we have some special requirements that only you can provide. *winks* Aside from those we require shorter grass to play, but those bastards in Madrid just won't cut the grass, and that's why we only drew in the league, see:

Xavi: We were the only team that wanted to play football, but couldn't because of the jungle, you need to help us save people's lives, and also save the game of football Wolfgang!

Wolfsgang Stark: I'll be glad to help the team of  Leo, do you want to me get rid of Pepe? He got all over in the face of Leo, he needs to pay for his actions.

Pep: Good, good, you already know what to do, less work for me. Excellent.

Wolfsgang Stark: Can I get Messi's shirt right now?

Messi: *runs away*

[They are all sent to the showers, Wolfgang Stark follows Lionel Messi.]

Real Madrid-Barcelona: El Clasico (1/4): Points Worth Noting

Pepe to Messi: "Are you crazy?"

Last night Jose Mourinho's Real Madrid brought an end to the winning streak of Pep Gaurdiola's Borecelona....err....Barcelona in El Clasico as well as their streak away from home.

Jose Mourinho's men fought hard, were the better team, created the better chances despite being "outpassed" and "outpossessed," earned themselves a draw with 10 men on the field. It didn't help that the referee was, as usual against them. This draw as stated by Marca's headline, "feels like a win".

There are always many match reviews available on the internet of such games and it's always better to do something different, so that's why I have decided to discuss point by point the things that happened in the match which were worth discussing.


Barcelona's Football is as Negative as it Can Get

Barcelona had 76% possession of the ball according to ESPN Soccernet, and as far as I remember the commentator repeatedly reminding how Barcelona had completed more than twice the number of passes than Real Madrid while having an orgasm. The bias of Mediapro's commentator didn't enable him to watch the match properly as he was praising Barcelona for playing square balls and back passes while lined up at the half-line unable to create anything worthwhile except for a good showing for number of passes completed.


Keeping possession while attacking is 'good attacking football', but keeping possession for the sake of not giving it to the opposition should be considered as a negative tactic, just like taking the ball to the flag or rolling in defense is, people need to get rid of their bias towards FC Barcelona.


The Trivote Worked Wonders/Pepe is Amazing in Midfield

Bassam of Real Madrid Offside and I have had a discussion about using the trivote many time, we had Granero as our choice with Khedira and Xabi Alonso, but after Granero was suspended both of us had agreed on Pepe as the third man in the trivote over Lass; Lass got injured we got our wish, and it turns out what we wanted was the right thing all along. We wanted Real Madrid to close down spaces, press high up the field and not give time to Barcelona's midfielders time to pick out passes that can open up defenses. Pepe did just that; he hounded the Catalan midfielders down, won tackles in the middle of the park, and helped start many of Real Madrid's attack; hands down the best player on the field.

The trivote should be used again in the remaining Clasicos without any change or bringing in Lass, Lass just isn't the same as Pepe. Pepe's much more cleaner and disciplined than Lass.


Dani Alves & Adriano Were Kept Quiet


After watching a few Barcelona games, I had realized how important Dani Alves is for Barcelona. When going forward, Dani Alves always bombs up the field making dangerous runs, getting into good positions and getting involved in many attacking plays with quick one-two passing. Due to the compact shape of Real Madrid and breaking quickly on the counters, Dani Alves didn't venture forward in attack too much and that made it one less player to deal with while defending. Not only Alves, the left-back Adriano didn't make many attacking runs either.


 Full-Backs Can't Be Red Carded


Yes, that's right, according to the fourth-official in the game, full backs can't be red-carded. In the press-conference after the game, Jose was talking about how Alves should have been red-carded for a second bookable offense when he brought down Marcelo in the box conceding a penalty and that's when he said:

 "I asked the fourth official why there wasn't a second yellow and he told me it's because he's a full-back."

All these times, all these times when Sergio Ramos got red carded, all he had to say was, "I'm a full-back b****!" and he would have stayed on, I ask for the Spanish FA and the UEFA to apologize to Sergio Ramos for giving him red cards in La Liga, Copa del Ray and Champions League.



Neither Ozil Nor Di Maria Should Start The Next Clasico


Both Di Maria and Mesut Ozil have been immense for Real Madrid this season but none of them are suitable to start the El Clasico just yet. Di Maria has got the nerves and Ozil is not someone who can keep up the same intensity over the 90 minutes.

Last night Di Maria's touch and control deserted him many a times, the same Di Maria would have latched on to those similar balls and would have tore up the defense of some other team but he just couldn't keep the ball close to him and always ran into trouble. Di Maria just isn't ready mentally.

Ozil was brilliant when he came on last night, dribbling past defenders, passing the ball well, getting involved in the play. The problem with Ozil starting is that in order to last the 90 minutes he will stop pressing in attack and will not track back, and the success we had in shutting out Barcelona's midfield was the fact that everyone put in their defensive shifts properly, even Cristiano Ronaldo was tracking back helping in defense many times. If Ozil switches off we have a problem.

Picking someone to start out of the two is a little difficult, so I'll just go ahead and put the weirdest idea in your head about starting Benzema and Higuain along with Cristiano Ronaldo

But as far as Jose Mourinho goes, I know he'll start Ozil. Won't be a bad idea if Ozil does a complete job and puts in 60-70 minutes and then Di Maria comes on in his place as an impact substitute.

 I nearly predicted the correct line-up (The mistake I made was picking Higuain over Benzema) nearly 12 hours before the game on Twitter, let's wait and see if I predicted the correct line-up this time as well. Best of luck to the players for the remaining Clasicos! Hala Madrid!