Wolfsgang Stark & FC Barcelona: Pre-Match Team Meeting

"Go! Get HIM!

 If you are following me on Twitter, you probably know that I ran a sting operation to get my hands on the "exclusive" Barcelona pre-match & post-match team talk, and am going to publish it as 2 part post. Our reporter was in Catalonia a few days before the match, and this is EXACTLY what he saw and heard.

Location: Ciutat Esportiva Joan Gamper

(Pep Guardiola is rejoining the team huddle after a phone call, Pep looks pleased with himself, and starts talking with the Barcelona players.)

Pep: Just got of the phone with Michel (Platini), he had called to say he was sorry about picking the Portuguese referee without asking us first, and he was saying he would do just about anything to make it up.

Puyol: *growling like a caveman in approval*

Valdes: Has he made arrangements so we can play our game?

Pep: Yes, he has, our "special player" would be arriving to train with us soon, jejeje. Pique what are you doing? Hang up the phone and come back, we are talking here.

Pique: I was just telling Shakira to get a nose job, a bigger nose would be so much more sexy, don't you think? It looked so good on Ibra.

Pep: Didn't I tell you we don't take his name here, he broke my heart. Anyways, all of you do your stretching, then we'll start the practice with a little diving followed by some face-clutching till our friend drops by. By the way where's Villa, I don't see him.

Xavi: He's with Ramos and Arbeloa, they sent me a text saying he got drunk last night and they had to pick him up, and he's with them, they even sent me a photo, look.

Pep: He isn't their teammate, it's your duty; did you go pick David up? What did you tell them?

Xavi: I told them we are the only team that wants to play football.

Pep: ..........

Xavi: I'll go pick him up.

[Xavi leaves to get Villa while the team continue their training, they take turns diving, clutching their face and ganging up on a person, who our reporter assumes is supposed to be the referee.]

[Some time passes, our reporter notices a grown German man wearing a Lionel Messi kit reach the gates of Ciutat Esportiva Joan Gamper and is stopped by the security and is being thrown out when Pep Gaurdiola notices the man and intercepts. Apparently the security guards were throwing him out because they had banned him from the premises for stalking Lionel Messi during training.]

Pep: Wow, you came a lot earlier than expected, were you close by? And why were the security people stopping you from entering.

Wolfsgang Stark: Yes, I was near Messi's hom.....I was close by. By the way where's Lionel Messi, he's like the best player EVER, I want to meet him. I don't know man, they did that the last time I was here too, I was just going to the player's shower after the training to meet Messi, that's all, I still don't get why they threw me out.  Now when am I getting to meet Messi?

Pep: Umm...........yeah, I can't figure it out either........you'll be meeting Messi soon enough, when we'll talk game strategy in a while.

Wolfsgang Stark: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! REALLY?!

Pep: .............yeah.

[Pep and Wolfsgang Stark oversee the training (video), Xavi and Villa join the group, Pep and Stark wait for them to finish "practice" before they start the discussion.]

Pep: Okay, huddle up people, here's the "special player" I was talking about.

Puyol: *sniffs Wolfsgang Stark*

Wolfsgang Stark: Hi Leo! I am your biggest fan, can you sign my shirt, my shorts, anything?!

Pep: Can we focus?

Wolfsgang Stark: Alright. *whispers* I love you Leo.


Pep: Can I call you Wolf? Okay Wolf, as Platini might have already told you, to play our beautiful game of football, we have some special requirements that only you can provide. *winks* Aside from those we require shorter grass to play, but those bastards in Madrid just won't cut the grass, and that's why we only drew in the league, see:

Xavi: We were the only team that wanted to play football, but couldn't because of the jungle, you need to help us save people's lives, and also save the game of football Wolfgang!

Wolfsgang Stark: I'll be glad to help the team of  Leo, do you want to me get rid of Pepe? He got all over in the face of Leo, he needs to pay for his actions.

Pep: Good, good, you already know what to do, less work for me. Excellent.

Wolfsgang Stark: Can I get Messi's shirt right now?

Messi: *runs away*

[They are all sent to the showers, Wolfgang Stark follows Lionel Messi.]

Life Lessons Through Football: FC Barcelona Learn It The Hard Way Through Ibrahimovic & Chygrynskiy

Super-Flop

The season before the last one, FC Barcelona won everything there was to be won, they won the Copa del Ray, the La Liga and the Champions League, but due to Florentino Perez's arrival at Real Madrid and the signings he made, turned the spotlight on Real Madrid.

FC Barcelona didn't like that one bit, they didn't want the spotlight to be taken away from them, so they started critcizing the philosophies of Real Madrid, while making two mega money signings themselves in the form of Dmytro Chygrynskiy & Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Barcelona paid €25 million for Dmytro Chygrynskiy and €45 million plus the star man of last season—Samuel Eto'o (€30-35 million) for Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

But as fate would have it Chygrynskiy & Ibrahimovic both flopped and fell out of favor at the Catalan club.

FC Barcelona sold Dmytro Chygrynskiy to Shaktar Donetsk for €15 million suffering a loss of €10 million.

And after a long soap-opera in the summer, Zlatan Ibrahimovic finally bid farewell to Barcelona as he is now going to join AC Milan for an year on loan and then AC Milan HAVE to purchase Ibrahimovic for a mere €24 million, with FC Barcelona suffering a loss in the range of €50 million.

FC Barcelona were already covered in the central defender deaprtment, so it didn't cost them to find his replacement but they did spend €45 million on David Villa to replace Zlatan.

Now I agree that David Villa is an amazing signing and is better than Samuel Eto'o, but they have spent nearly €100 million on a player that wasn't even required to be replaced.

Now I agree Real Madrid did a lot of stupid things last season, and two namely being Wesley Sneijder and Arjen Robben, but Real Madrid weren't the "hexacampeons," Barcelona were, why change a system that wins you things?

Even if Barcelona wins 6 trophies in a season, they'll always be jealous of the club in Madrid that wears the royal whites, and this jealousy has cost them more than €100 million, and it doesn't help when your club has to take loans to pay off the salaries of the players.

Kids, now every experience in life teaches us a lesson, this experience teaches us that jealousy is a bad thing and you should not let what others do determine the things you do.

Okay now enough with the life lessons, lets have a laugh at the expense of our dear rivals! And did you hear, Gerard Pique handed in a request to join AC Milan too, I wonder why.........

Hala Madrid!

Florentino Perez Thinking Of Shutting Down La Fabrica For Good [Satire]

"We don't need an academy, creating players is overrated!"

Real Madrid President—Florentino Perez today in a press conference declared that Real Madrid will be shutting down their academy for good, and that the players in the academy will all be all sold for prices less than the price of the cellphones they have on them.

Arsene Wenger & Michel were the first ones to respond to the news and they quickly bought players of all ages, shapes and sizes by the dozen.

The news was taken surprisingly well by the fans of Real Madrid who said they were happy that they wouldn't have to moan all the time about a certain player from the academy not getting time in the first team and how it is unfair that some random 19 year old chick from Argentina is getting chances before a good prospect of the academy.

The Canteranos were the ones most pleased with the news because they think that now that they'll play at different clubs without a buy-back clause, Real Madrid will actually value them and pay some attention to them after they create a name for themselves with different teams, they are 100% sure that Real Madrid will spend millions to buy them and they would get to play for the team they supported since they were little kids after a season or two at max!

This is what Florentino Perez said when he was asked for the reasons of this decision, he said (English translation),  

"I didn't even realize there was something like the academy at Real Madrid, I thought they had shut it down after Iker Casillas graduated from there. Besides it's not like these kids were talented enough to succeed at Real Madrid, you have to be as talented as Drenthe and Gago to make it at Real Madrid!" 

Florentino Perez further went on to say:

"Trophies are the only thing that counts in my books, it's not like the Juvenil A did the double of the European Championship and the Domestic League last year! The academy can be considered a successful one only if almost all the teams in the academy ended up with a trophy or more and ours didn't, it's just a waste of our time and money and it is best to pull the plug on this sham, let these "players" be mediocre like Juan Mata somewhere else!"

I myself was at the press conference when Perez declared that the Canteranos were going up for sale, I tried to buy Pablo Sarabia but unfortunately I fell €5 short and missed out on making a huge profit. :(