Sunday, May 1, 2011

Wolfsgang Stark & FC Barcelona: Pre-Match Team Meeting

"Go! Get HIM!
 If you are following me on Twitter, you probably know that I ran a sting operation to get my hands on the "exclusive" Barcelona pre-match & post-match team talk, and am going to publish it as 2 part post. Our reporter was in Catalonia a few days before the match, and this is EXACTLY what he saw and heard.

Location: Ciutat Esportiva Joan Gamper

(Pep Guardiola is rejoining the team huddle after a phone call, Pep looks pleased with himself, and starts talking with the Barcelona players.)

Pep: Just got of the phone with Michel (Platini), he had called to say he was sorry about picking the Portuguese referee without asking us first, and he was saying he would do just about anything to make it up.

Puyol: *growling like a caveman in approval*

Valdes: Has he made arrangements so we can play our game?

Pep: Yes, he has, our "special player" would be arriving to train with us soon, jejeje. Pique what are you doing? Hang up the phone and come back, we are talking here.

Pique: I was just telling Shakira to get a nose job, a bigger nose would be so much more sexy, don't you think? It looked so good on Ibra.

Pep: Didn't I tell you we don't take his name here, he broke my heart. Anyways, all of you do your stretching, then we'll start the practice with a little diving followed by some face-clutching till our friend drops by. By the way where's Villa, I don't see him.

Xavi: He's with Ramos and Arbeloa, they sent me a text saying he got drunk last night and they had to pick him up, and he's with them, they even sent me a photo, look.

Pep: He isn't their teammate, it's your duty; did you go pick David up? What did you tell them?

Xavi: I told them we are the only team that wants to play football.

Pep: ..........

Xavi: I'll go pick him up.

[Xavi leaves to get Villa while the team continue their training, they take turns diving, clutching their face and ganging up on a person, who our reporter assumes is supposed to be the referee.]

[Some time passes, our reporter notices a grown German man wearing a Lionel Messi kit reach the gates of Ciutat Esportiva Joan Gamper and is stopped by the security and is being thrown out when Pep Gaurdiola notices the man and intercepts. Apparently the security guards were throwing him out because they had banned him from the premises for stalking Lionel Messi during training.]

Pep: Wow, you came a lot earlier than expected, were you close by? And why were the security people stopping you from entering.

Wolfsgang Stark: Yes, I was near Messi's hom.....I was close by. By the way where's Lionel Messi, he's like the best player EVER, I want to meet him. I don't know man, they did that the last time I was here too, I was just going to the player's shower after the training to meet Messi, that's all, I still don't get why they threw me out.  Now when am I getting to meet Messi?

Pep: Umm...........yeah, I can't figure it out'll be meeting Messi soon enough, when we'll talk game strategy in a while.

Wolfsgang Stark: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! REALLY?!

Pep: .............yeah.

[Pep and Wolfsgang Stark oversee the training (video), Xavi and Villa join the group, Pep and Stark wait for them to finish "practice" before they start the discussion.]

Pep: Okay, huddle up people, here's the "special player" I was talking about.

Puyol: *sniffs Wolfsgang Stark*

Wolfsgang Stark: Hi Leo! I am your biggest fan, can you sign my shirt, my shorts, anything?!

Pep: Can we focus?

Wolfsgang Stark: Alright. *whispers* I love you Leo.

Pep: Can I call you Wolf? Okay Wolf, as Platini might have already told you, to play our beautiful game of football, we have some special requirements that only you can provide. *winks* Aside from those we require shorter grass to play, but those bastards in Madrid just won't cut the grass, and that's why we only drew in the league, see:

Xavi: We were the only team that wanted to play football, but couldn't because of the jungle, you need to help us save people's lives, and also save the game of football Wolfgang!

Wolfsgang Stark: I'll be glad to help the team of  Leo, do you want to me get rid of Pepe? He got all over in the face of Leo, he needs to pay for his actions.

Pep: Good, good, you already know what to do, less work for me. Excellent.

Wolfsgang Stark: Can I get Messi's shirt right now?

Messi: *runs away*

[They are all sent to the showers, Wolfgang Stark follows Lionel Messi.]



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